Sunday, July 21, 2013

Words as Salvation

I haven't blogged in nearly 7 months. I suppose my interest in posting random thoughts and opinions to a nebulous cyberworld of strangers waned. I mean, most people in my real life show little interest in such thoughts, so why go online to force feed validation? It's not that I have ceased to have opinions (I easily can add to the rhetoric surrounding Trayvon Martin, Obama, Edward Snowden, or -  hell, even the Royal Baby) but are they so important to you? Probably not.

I've been struggling with myself lately. Lately - as in, the last 20 years - but it goes in waves. Troughs and peaks. I'm currently in a trough. I'm about to officially enter a new age bracket - the one signifying middle age - and I still feel stuck. I still feel like my life hasn't started. Rather than dreaming about "someday, maybe", I should be smack in the middle of its realization. But I'm not. Kids. A house that feels like a home. A career where I feel useful and like I make a difference. Being loved for me, rather than people saying I should be something else. (And with that last one - no, it's not self esteem issues playing tricks on my mind. If I had a coin for every time someone told me that I'm not good enough in one way or another, I'd be a wealthy girl).

SO why blog now? Why share my story of woe when all it does is make me sound pathetic? Because I realized that the one thing I have, the one thing no one can steal from me or fault me for, the one thing that gives me any sort of identity, is writing.

I've put writing on a back burner. "Life" gets in the way. Work, home, family. How can I indulge in slipping away to a quiet space to write when other, more important things take priority? But I need to do it to reclaim myself. In any small way I can. Will it solve anything or lift me permanently from the troughs? Doubtful, but it's worth a try. As my blog page says, "taking it one line at a time."

And thanks for reading this. Any bit of support is much appreciated. Here we go....