Let Love Rule 2011

Just a few days ago, New York became the sixth, and largest, U.S. state to legalize same-sex marriage. I join in the millions of supporters when I say: "Way to go, New York!" This is exciting news and gives hope to many, many others who still do not have that freedom.

Just across the river, in my little state of New Jersey, our governor still say "No way." Normally, I would appreciate someone sticking to their guns, not giving up on their convictions or giving in to social pressures. But...this is different. This is about human rights, civil rights, and the freedoms that we should be able to celebrate in this awesome country of ours.

There was an editorial in my local paper yesterday briefly explaining who is permitted to marry in NJ and who cannot. Can you believe that first cousins can marry in NJ, as well as children under 18 years of age (with parental consent)? What is this - backwoods U.S.A.? Poor Arkansas is always the punchline of those jokes about cousins marrying, but guess what? It's prohibited in Arkansas! And still, gay couples cannot marry.

I know that not everyone shares my viewpoint or supports gay marriage. I appreciate that they have their own perspective. In fact, in a poll on CNN.com, public opinions were split 60% in favor, 40% opposed to legalization of gay marriage. But I cannot, for the life of me, understand how one can justify denying another human being liberties that they themselves are granted. And the arguments don't hold water. Let's try to break it down.

- Gay marriage defies the sanctity of marriage. What about heterosexual couples that cheat or divorce on a whim? Is that ok because they're straight? What about Arnold, John, Anthony and the countless others who have veered off the Golden Path? The public is outraged for about 5 minutes and then forget about it...maybe even forgive, especially if said-cheater makes a lame attempt at redemption via "rehab" or tries to rebuild via a talk show.

- Gay marriage goes against the Bible and God's law. Maybe. But after 12 years of Catholic school and religion classes, I don't recall reading anything of the sort in the Bible (although, as you can imagine, we received the proverbial "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" lectures). And unless those who use this as an argument personally visited God at home and discussed this topic at length over tea, I highly doubt anyone can say with any certainty this is how it should be. And if that's not enough for you, think about the Golden Rule. Now think about the Ten Commandments. Now, repeat the line in either one that states that gay marriage is wrong. Go on, I'll wait.

I thought so.

- The purpose of marriage is procreation. Is that all? Man, am I in trouble. So are the countless others who either don't have children or can't have children. And all this time I thought I married my husband because we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Boy, was I a dummy. What about those people who have children within the sanctity of marriage who neglect or abuse their children, or worse? Are you not outraged by that more so than if a gay couple married?

- Marriage is a sign of commitment and gay couples cannot commit. Really? I know gay couples that have been together longer than most straight couples. Also, do you realize that the divorce rate in the U.S. is 50%? That's a big number. Many people I love dearly are divorced, and I realize that there are a multitude of reasons for it. To assume that heterosexual couples are immune to these issues, or that gay couples are subject to them, is just plain absurd.

My point is not to offend. My point to make people think. Isn't it time that we move along with the times and realize that a change has to come?

Love Thy Self

Ok, let's just get the obvious out of the way. Yes, it's been two months since my last post. No, I have not been wandering Bora Bora, been locked in a dungeon or anything of the sort. Just plain old busy.

Which is kinda a good segue into my post. Why do I feel the need to explain to my few wonderful readers out there why I haven't posted recently? Furthermore, how do I know it's just "a few" of you out there? Well...yeah, that's a little easier to quantify, but my point is...there's always that evil, little monkey in the corner of my brain that screams about living up to expectations...and feeling guilty about it when I don't.

Sure, most of the time, these are self-imposed expectations - things that should make me feel more confident about life, but more often than not, they make me feel worse. Way worse. To the point it changes-my-whole-disposition-kind of worse. I should live in a better home, have a better job, wear better clothes, weigh less, have perfect hair, be the confident, perky, radiant woman I'm meant to be. But then I realize "should" is not the same as "is" and that's when the trouble starts. There is a fear of admitting "failure". Even now, there is a sense "I should not post this", "what will they think?", "what if this sounds lame and my point isn't clear?" But that's also part of the shame and feeds into the perpetual cycle.

Which is why, when I saw this article about self compassion, I felt for once that I'm not alone in my experience. And reiterating that "the secret to success is the ability to fail." Not to say that failure is the goal, just - that we all fail from time to time, no one is perfect, and we have to be gentle with ourselves. Easier said than done. Bad habits are hard to break. But it gives me hope - and I'm posting this so that maybe I can pass along that hope to someone else.

Plastic Not-So Fantastic

Some questions are asked so frequently that they kind of become a joke. A hackneyed, overplayed, not-so-funny-anymore kind of joke.

Think "Boxers or briefs?"

Or "Paper or plastic?"

In recent years, I have made a conscious effort to not use plastic bags when I go grocery shopping. I have a few reusable bags (which, for the record, always amaze me with how much they can hold) and if I don't have enough of my own bags, I prefer paper bags, which I can use for my paper recycling. No fuss, no muss - no piles of of flimsy plastic bags that always leave me wondering whether they really will be recycled properly or just sit in a landfill somewhere. {Here's a site that is semi-helpful when it comes to learning more about plastic bag recycling}

But...well, is it me, or does it seem like grocery stores are really pushing people to use plastic bags?

If I ask for paper, I am asked in return "Paper inside of plastic?" No. Just paper. Pa-per.

If I'm bagging, and the check-out person decides to help bag the last few items, what does he or she automatically grab - even though not a single plastic bag has touched my hands? That's right. Plastic.

Last week, knowing I would need a few paper bags in addition to my own bags, I watched in horror as the check-out person actually removed a stack of paper bags, put them in hiding under the counter and presented a fresh pack of plastic bags. I felt a barely-audible whimper slip out as I stood by, almost helpless as my choice was taken away. I had to wonder if this was a global initiative by the store - is it cheaper for the store to offer plastic instead of paper?

I got my paper bags in the end, but wonder how many people would just go with the flow and not notice or care what bags are used, just like I used to do. Who knows. But I came across this article that breaks down the issue of paper vs. plastic.

Maybe one day, there won't even be a question of "Paper or plastic?"

On the Move

For the last few months, the predominant theme in my life has been moving.

First, my family helped move my grandparents from their home of 18 years to a place closer to the rest of the family. It was a big undertaking to say the least. We sorted, packed, tossed, sold, saved several decades worth of memories. Even the smallest item would hold some sort of sentiment. "I remember when your grandfather gave me this [item] when we first moved to [city] back in [year]." or some such phrasing. The mere act of holding some of the things churned memories that I had long forgotten and made me a little sad to watch things change. And it wasn't even my home.

Now, while not nearly as traumatic as moving from a beloved home, I face another move - at work. Our office is moving just a few miles up the road - not far at all, hardly enough to make a significant dent in my commute - but enough to be completely foreign after coming to work nearly every day for 8+ years to the same building. The process of sorting, packing, tossing, selling and saving things is in full swing. As a coworker said to me, "I never thought I would feel sad to see everything boxed up."

It will be a change for sure, on several levels. Still, as I sort through things I filed away years ago, I am reminded of the young adult I was when I started, the projects I worked on then and how I've grown professionally since. The "war stories," the memories of coworkers who have moved on, the clients who have changed. I will miss the familiar faces of others in the building, the town center at lunchtime on a warm sunny day, the gorgeous view from my office window. I realize how easy it is to get lost in the day-to-day, the frustrations, deadlines, and such, and how very easy it is to take for granted the little things that build memories. And how comfortable we become when in one spot for too long.

So, just like any change, it will take some time to get used to. I will need to start a new routine and adjust a little, but it's time to build some new memories and begin new stories. Until the next chapter of change is ready to unfold.